| Baby went to Amsterdam. |
[December 21 2007] |
Every time I think about Christian or the USMC, I get that stupid Bloodhound gang stuck in my head.
Foxtrot...Uniform...Charlie...Kilo...
Ugh.
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| Crazy tenses. |
[December 10 2007] |
I am not depressed.
I am not suicidal.
I do not want attention.
I do not want to hurt.
Sometimes I just need to remind myself the difference between imaginary and reality.
( ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ )
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| This is no good, |
[December 9 2007] |
Christian's not coming home for another 6 weeks.
He's going straight to Oklahoma.
I cannot even explain how much this makes my heart sink and my eyes sting.
I cannot cannot cannot do this all the time.
Our 1 month marriage anniversary is in 2 days.
I have only seen him for a total of 5 days in the past year and a half.
I cannot stand myself for what I feel. I hate how he tells me I should be more supportive when I have sacrificed everything I had for him. I gave up college scholarships, I gave up going to school when and where I wanted to, I gave up my job, I gave up my family, my home, any comfort I had. I moved to a city I've never seen, into an apartment with people I never knew and I wait. All I do is wait, and I don't get to talk to him. I don't get to write to him. He is never anywhere long enough to have a mailing address.
Only one thing can explain why I behave the way I do. Why I wait, as patiently as I am capable, with a smile on my face.
Sometimes I feel like I hate him and then I feel horrible.
I hate this so much.
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| 4 days. |
[December 7 2007] |
What do these even mean?
I always thought people chose rings to symbolize love because circles are eternal.
That is how I like to think of it, love forever circling.
I don't know why I am thinking these romantic things right now, I just picked up his ring from the jeweler, and I really wish he was wearing it right now, because sometimes I feel like if he's wearing it I can send him messages telepathically if we're both touching our rings.
In other news, I like to put string in my hair.
Soon enough, I promise myself I will write something of substance.
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| I'm afraid I cannot do this anymore. |
[December 6 2007] |
Christian hopefully will be home in five days. I cannot wait, but I almost do not want him to come home. The logic being, that he just has to leave again January 1st. I really hate this.
I dislike the military.
I dislike being in a place where Fox news is not only taken seriously, but coveted.
I hate being in a place where people think the death penalty is absolutely the best thing.
I hate that here, Bill O'Reilly is God.
I hate being told I am brainwashed by hippie liberals.
I hate that they hate Massachusetts.
I just hate it here.
I hate waking up at night fearing nothing I know is real.
I hate waiting, waiting for love is the worst.
I have seen my husband 7 days in the past year and a half.
All I have right now is a box of memories and NPR on an old radio.
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| Pink. |
[December 6 2007] |
I enjoy being home alone in the day because when my sister in law and brother in law are gone, I can parade around in my pink slip, grey wool stockings, and nothing else. Sure it is cold, but it is very worthwhile.
( ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ )
I miss Christian.
Please come home soon, husband.
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| I hate the night. |
[December 5 2007] |
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It is a weird feeling to wake up in the middle of the night, in your husbands bed, when no one is home. It is weird to fear that you have made him up in your imagination, because you never get to see him. So, you start to revolve your wedding ring in your fingers because it is your only solace against the overwhelming feeling that nothing you have come to love, is real.
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| My Christmas list. |
[December 2 2007] |
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♥ a worn in blanket
♥ dried flowers
♥ a wooden box
♥ pink christmas lights
♥ drawing of an animals ex: seahorse, elephant, deer
♥ ribbon
♥ a teacup
♥ home made paper
♥ a smile
♥ hug from my husband
♥ small, paper cut out of a heart
♥ glass bottles
♥ pretty rocks
♥ scraps of fabric
♥ hand written letter
♥ Blossom tea (you can google it!)
♥ snow
♥ lace
♥ light pink string, or bed sheets, or nail polish
♥ bubbles
♥ 2 turtle doves
♥ apples
♥ a tree
♥ a sonnet although a haiku will do
♥ an envelope with little hearts drawn on it
♥ ella fitzgerald's voice, in a locket
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